


hold me tighter (so i can erase you)

by oswinne



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Barebacking, Come as Lube, Couch Sex, Humiliation kink, Internal Come Shot, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn with Feelings, Prostate Massage, Rough Sex, Self-degradation, Spit As Lube, Wall Sex, borderline Hate Sex but not quite.., please read the warnings at the beginning xo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-30 22:09:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17837045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oswinne/pseuds/oswinne
Summary: Daniel's bed is probably the last place Jihoon should be right now. Good thing he's only there metaphorically, then.





	hold me tighter (so i can erase you)

**Author's Note:**

> a belated valentines day offering, although i'd initially planned something else more light-hearted ♡ this was also meant to be shorter but once i decided jihoon was going to come three times, there wasn't any going back :')
> 
> *proof-read but soon to be again  
> *title adapted from I Hate You by Hotshot
> 
>  p.s. happy birthday louise uwu
> 
>  
> 
> **WARNINGS**  
> i've tagged this as 'mildly dubious consent' because of jihoon's emotional state, which might be best termed as 'self-destructive' because it leads him to use sex with daniel as an unhealthy coping mechanism. as part of this, he also makes a (successful) attempt to coax daniel into unprotected sex which, though daniel was not necessarily opposed to it in the outset, is not good practice all the same. there is also a brief mention of past occasions where jihoon has essentially used sex as a form of self-harm. this fic does not intend to glorify these dub con elements. instead it seeks to explore the way they interact with jihoon's character and his relationship with daniel here.
> 
> if these things might be triggering for you, please take care of yourself when considering whether to keep reading. ♡

Jihoon almost trips trying to get his shoes off at the entrance. He laughs a little at his own clumsiness but the sound is quickly swallowed, muffled against lips that, in all their unintended irony, refuse to leave his even for a moment. Not even long enough to take off their shoes.

****

Daniel has always been hasty, and he’s no different tonight with a bottle or so of soju running through his veins. Jihoon had barely had anything to drink - he’s a lightweight who’s learned the consequences, and needed to drive home, besides - but he has something much more potent bubbling in his blood.

****

He’s too scared to name it, but whatever it is ― it burns.

****

Not unlike the heat of Daniel’s hands, an easy distraction as they sear his skin where they skim under his shirt. Mere seconds ago, the two of them had tumbled through the door of Daniel’s apartment, a flurry of frenzied hands and lips, and already, Daniel has all but slammed him up against the wall near the entryway. Already, Jihoon is coming to pieces, just like he knew he would.

****

All Jihoon can think about is how much he wants Daniel to touch him. To keep touching him until and beyond the relief of all the tension that has built up for so long, now seeking an outlet.

****

All Jihoon can think about is how much he's missed this. _Him_.

****

He should've known that their first time meeting again after Daniel’s return from Canada would turn out like this. He should've known better than to think that the past two years apart would have taught either of them self-control. It had never been a hallmark of their relationship.

****

Daniel’s large hands fit so perfectly into the dip of Jihoon’s slender waist that it’s like it was made with them in mind. Like the two of them, him and Daniel, were made to fit together just like this; Daniel’s broader frame pressed against his, Daniel’s thigh thrust between his legs, Daniel’s tongue in his mouth.

****

Where Jihoon starts and ends, defined by where Daniel is and is not.

****

It has always been like this; Jihoon shaped by the presence or lack thereof of one Kang Daniel, in more aspects than he still dares to admit. Self, determined in relation to the other ― in a cognitive habit that is far harder to break than is fair.

****

_What am I, to him? What am I, because of him?_

****

Two years and an ocean apart wasn’t enough to break that habit; the way something in him always searches for Daniel, leans towards him like a sunflower towards the light and warmth for which it's named.

****

Two years without each other’s touch and all Jihoon is certain of is that this, right now, at least some of it is nostalgia.

****

Yet the undercurrent of longing does not translate to either care or reverence. There is nothing neat and tidy, nothing refined or respectable, about the way they come together.

****

There is nothing kind.

****

Daniel kisses him like a man dying, intent on revenge before his demise, and Jihoon meets him, inch for inch and blow for blow, in that fury; scratching up his back, nails skating over the fabric of his dress shirt, and tugging harshly at his dark hair.

****

He wonders how recently Daniel had dyed it back to its natural black. He wonders if Daniel knows what it does to him. It makes him look older, more mature, at the same time as it makes him look dangerous — in a calculated sort of way that makes Jihoon want to push, and push, until they’re both toppling over the edge of wherever his control ends.

****

Even now it feels like they are teetering on that precipice, and Jihoon’s stomach swoops in anticipation of the fall — and of the bone-shattering landing.

****

He can taste the alcohol heavy on Daniel’s tongue but he also remembers the sharpness of Daniel’s gaze, the clarity of it, when he’d begun to lean into Jihoon’s space in the hallway of his apartment building, keys clutched in his hand but showing no sign of nearing the lock. He’d seen the way Daniel had watched him carefully, closing the gap as slowly as one might approach a wild animal. Jihoon had found himself sliding a hand behind the other’s head and crashing their mouths together out of sheer impatience.

****

Like pushing a dislocated shoulder back into place, hesitation only prolongs the pain. The return is inescapably painful but the reunion is nonetheless inevitable.

****

Though Jihoon has no idea how much Daniel has had to drink tonight, he was not drunk out of his mind when he accepted the lift home, only enough to need it. His clumsy haste likely originates not from any great level of intoxication but from something else entirely.

****

Roughly, Jihoon pulls Daniel closer, fingers clawing at his belt buckle, and Daniel makes a guttural noise, deep in his throat, as he shoves him further back against the wall, removing his hands from Jihoon’s waist and using them instead to pin his wrists to the plaster either side of his head.

****

His grip is tight enough to bruise and Jihoon’s stomach flips at the thought of the mottled shades that will be left to ring his wrists tomorrow. The idea of being marked by Daniel in a way that endures beyond this fleeting moment is something he craves as much as it nauseates him.

****

His fingers itch to link themselves with Daniel’s but instead, Jihoon sinks his teeth into the other man’s lower lip in retaliation for the force that has him cuffed by bone and sinew to Daniel's apartment wall.

****

It’s the same apartment as before he left; Daniel probably rented it out while he was out of the country, and Jihoon can’t help but wonder if Daniel too is remembering all the other times they have fucked here. On every surface, in the sort of house warming commonly joked about but only Daniel and Jihoon would actually execute. Daniel had been more eager to lay claim to Jihoon than his new residence but the younger hadn’t protested the enthusiasm.

****

Jihoon remembers the way Daniel would lean back on this very wall for support, shaking as Jihoon sucked him off before work, making good on his promise not to make a mess by drinking up every last drop of come, pink tongue darting out to lick clean his own lips. It was a more frequent form of farewell than was probably healthy for Daniel’s punctuality but they couldn’t keep their hands off each other any more back then than they seem to be able to now.

****

Daniel presses his thigh more insistently against the growing hardness of Jihoon's crotch. It verges on painful with the tightness of his jeans already applying its own unforgiving pressure. All the same, Jihoon can't help but groan into the older's mouth, gratified by the friction he gets when he bucks his hips forward and grinds against the other's clothed thigh.

****

Daniel pulls back so he can begin to mouth at Jihoon’s neck; deliciously hot and wet against already flushed skin, and Jihoon throws his head back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling.

****

“Jihoon,” Daniel murmurs into the crook of his neck. A ragged appeal accompanied by a graze of his teeth that has Jihoon screwing his eyes shut. He can tell that's going to leave a mark. “I want you. Fuck- Jihoon, I--”

****

His voice wavers, as if weakened by the weight of how much he wants him.

****

It seems Daniel is intent that Jihoon should not only hear the words but feel them, mouthed so insistently against his pulse point. As if he didn’t feel them anyway, like a punch in the gut, each one.

****

He knows what Daniel really means when he says those words. What he really wants is a warm body, one he knows inside and out well enough to make this good and easy. Jihoon has no right to be disappointed because he's here for the same thing, isn't he?

****

“Then just--" Jihoon keeps his eyes shut as he speaks. “If that's what you want, just take it.”

****

_Take me._

****

A syllable short of what he can’t ask now, any more than he could back then.

****

_Take me_.

****

_Take me._

****

It forms a mantra in Jihoon's head as Daniel starts to undress him.

****

Daniel releases his hands to fumble with the button of Jihoon's jeans. They're skin-tight but pose little challenge for the deft work of Daniel's hands and before he knows it, Jihoon is opening his eyes to find his lower half entirely divested of clothing, discarded and heedlessly kicked in the general direction of the living room.

****

His soft cotton button up stays on but is not quite long enough to cover the base of his hardening dick. He looks up at Daniel, suddenly feeling shy, and wonders how visible the blush is on his cheeks. The other man doesn’t give him a chance to contemplate further, surging forward and grabbing Jihoon’s jaw between thumb and forefinger to manhandle him into a rough kiss. At the same time, his other hand wanders and Jihoon shudders when he feels it wrap around his cock.

****

The callous way Daniel rubs over the sensitive slit has Jihoon gasping and as he continues to touch him, the slide of his hand eased only by the precome Jihoon has begun to leak, all the younger can do in response is mewl plaintively into Daniel’s mouth. A wordless beg for more as he involuntarily bucks his hips up into Daniel’s hand.

****

It's all-consuming, being like this with Daniel again, and it commands far too much of his attention for him to spare any on listening to the voice in his head telling him to slow down, to think about what this will mean for all the progress he’s made.

****

He can see warning lights in the flashes of colour behind his eyelids but they’re too pretty to evoke any caution and are frankly part of what attracted him to Daniel in the first place.

****

(Not only in their early days but again tonight when he spotted the all too familiar face across the bar.)

****

He doesn't want to acknowledge that he would still ignore the voice of reason, even if he had the chance to hear it out.

****

He expects it would sound a little like Minhyun. His gentle, earnest tone as he implores Jihoon not to keep punishing himself.

****

But Minhyun isn’t here and Jihoon is glad because he doesn’t want someone to explain away the self-loathing that had washed over him as soon as he saw Daniel again for the first time. He wants to soak in it.

****

In one sense, Jihoon wants to think he doesn't have a choice in all this; swept up by the immutable power of their shared magnetism and Daniel's intoxicated intentions to have his way with him. He doesn't want to think that if he did have a choice, he would still choose this.

****

Because this choice is not one to which anyone would be sympathetic.

****

It's foolhardy and reckless and counterintuitive beyond belief.

****

It cannot be understood by anyone but the part of himself that thinks he needs this, however unsavoury.

****

He needs this, above all, not carnally but because this is his one chance to receive the sentiments Daniel had chosen not to douse him in when he left. He can give himself to Daniel now and receive in return an explanation mapped across his body in mottled reds and purples. He can feel the shape and weight of Daniel's convictions as he drives his cock up into Jihoon's most private of places and stand a chance of bringing them to a resolution in his mind.

****

Even still half-dressed, held in place by just two hands and a household wall, Jihoon feels that he is completely at Daniel’s mercy and it’s as if the physical manifestation of his emotional reality makes every cell in his body hypersensitive to Daniel’s touch.

****

He can feel the way the corner of Daniel’s mouth curves upward, smug at how readily Jihoon’s body is responding to him after not knowing him for so long.

****

“Come on,” Jihoon barely manages to pant against that mouth. “I thought you wanted to fuck me.”

****

At that, Daniel wrenches back, releasing his hold on Jihoon’s cock as well as his chin, in favour of placing a hand to Jihoon’s chest and pushing him back against the wall. He lets his palm run up Jihoon’s sternum until it wraps, featherlight, around his throat. Thumb idly stroking the soft skin, but firm enough to feel the hammering of Jihoon’s pulse and the bob of his adam’s apple as he swallows.

****

Daniel raises a speculative eyebrow. “And what are you planning to do about that?”

****

In answer, Jihoon brings his middle and index fingers up to his mouth, to trace the seam of his lips oh so innocently, before Daniel is watching with great interest as Jihoon parts his lips for them and begins to suck. Soft, at first, an attractive purse of already pretty lips; and then more sloppily as he aims to lather as much saliva as possible onto the digits. Jihoon’s lashes flutter as he rakes his gaze over Daniel appraisingly, head to toe, before determinedly turning to face the wall. Daniel retracts the hand at his throat and lets him.

****

Jihoon slips his fingers from between his lips and reaches down between his legs to wet his rim, bracing his other forearm against the wall for support. He arches his back in a position tantalising enough to prompt Daniel to grab Jihoon’s ass with both hands, thumbs digging into the soft flesh, spreading his cheeks apart for a better view.

****

The action sends a wave of heat shuddering through him. He feels so utterly exposed like this. He can’t help but shiver at how shameless his position is; ass in the air, greedy pink hole on display. Completely asking to be taken, for better or worse, in a way that cannot be misunderstood.

****

His head hangs low as his first fingertip hurriedly sinks past the ring of muscle, all the way to the knuckle, and he begins to open himself up for Daniel. He moans as he recalls how it will feel to be filled by his cock, already impatient with just one finger.

****

Arousal curls in his gut, intensity matched only by the shame that coils its lecherous tendrils around it. There is no avoiding the shame that comes with falling so low as to offer yourself for fucking by the man who threw you away and promptly left the country.

****

He thinks of the humiliation tomorrow will bring when the soreness still lingers in his body, as deep seated as Daniel had been, long after the two of them have parted ways.

****

He thinks of how he will look at himself in the mirror, unable to meet his own eyes as he relives each touch, each thrust, each stroke with the guilt that comes with a memory far too fresh for comfort when it is one meant to originate from years ago instead of the night before.

****

He thinks of how pathetic he must seem to Daniel right now; a desperate cockslut or a fool in love. (Or both.) He doesn't know which caricature would be worse but he lets the humiliation from Daniel’s, unspoken but assuredly disparaging, regard zap up and down his spine like electricity that has his heart racing and his toes curling.

****

He bites his lip and presses in a second finger.

****

He thinks he could still get off on that ― if Daniel switched out the sugared terms of endearment that had rolled off his tongue in the past if not now, and instead degraded him with harsh, dismissive words that Jihoon would not be able to find it in himself to deny. If Daniel called him out for the truth of what he is right now:

****

A shameless slut for his ex-boyfriend’s cock.

****

Desperate enough to be plugged up that he has tossed aside his pride in exchange for being filled by the one who always did it best.

****

There’s something freeing about having the dark and dirty parts inside of himself acknowledged and displayed as a simple, mutual understanding. If Jihoon is Daniel’s little cockslut and is called as such then there’s a satisfaction he can reap from the permission that comes with the label.

****

That’s where that special tension resides, the one that curls his toes and makes his heart race: between the pride and the humiliation warring inside Jihoon.

****

He can take ownership of his wants and desires but even so he must face the flood of humiliation that comes with what those are and who they involve.

****

The two men are no longer the counterparts they used to be, where Jihoon’s desire for Daniel was not only returned but part and parcel of their relationship as much as his love for him. Now, without that relationship as a foundation, Jihoon’s raw want still remains, regardless of whether there is any love left on either side.

****

It’s so pathetic, so shameful, that even when Daniel has made clear he does not love him - more than that, he despises him - _even then_ the fire inside Jihoon remains unquenched, burning brighter and hotter as it demands their carnal union in spite of everything.

****

It’s fucking embarrassing how ready and willing his body is to accommodate Daniel’s thick cock when the other man is still fully dressed. How thoroughly and easily his body remembers what it was like to have Daniel inside of him.

****

A filthy noise sounds from behind Jihoon and suddenly there is slick sliding down the cleft of his ass, trickling down over his hole and wetting his fingers in the process.

****

Jihoon struggles to process how close it comes to the tone of his own thoughts at the same time as his body reacts, ecstatic at the blatant demonstration of Daniel’s dismissive regard for him, even as the man in question pushes his own finger in against Jihoon’s freshly lubricated ones.

****

To be spat on by Daniel in this moment of vulnerability, no matter the utility of the result, hits so directly on the tender spot he has nursed since he entered the apartment that he nearly unravels.

****

His dick fucking _twitches_ at the idea of Daniel’s disdain for him manifesting in such a filthy way. In a sense, it’s like he is marking Jihoon; not as _his_ in that familiar possessive way, but as _beneath him_.

****

_This_ is what Jihoon needs; a reminder of what they are to each other.

****

(What he is to Daniel.)

****

As good as nothing.

****

Good _for_ nothing; except a dirty, quick fuck the same as you would with a stranger.

****

All the same, if Jihoon were to ask, he knows Daniel wouldn’t hesitate to fetch some lube to ease their way but this is how Jihoon wants it. Just the right side of dry. Just the right amount of discomfort to keep him grounded. The gratification delayed and made all the more intense when it comes for having had to work up to it from the opposite end of the spectrum.

****

While Jihoon’s two stout fingers work to loosen himself up, the addition of Daniel’s middle finger introduces a different agenda.

****

It’s not long before the pad of Daniel’s middle finger is rubbing over that sensitive spot three or four inches inside him. Light at first, but still enough for so direct a stimulation to leave him breathless.

****

It takes barely any time at all for Daniel to zero in on Jihoon’s prostate, as if he still remembers every inch of Jihoon’s body though he has not seen, let alone touched it for so long. It’s unfair that, along with everything else, Daniel still has this to his advantage here.

****

Then suddenly Daniel’s finger stops circling the sensitive bundle of nerves and presses in, hard, and Jihoon cries out.

****

Daniel leans forward, bracing the hand not buried inside his partner against the wall by Jihoon’s head. He presses himself along the line of Jihoon’s back, crowding him in until he can feel every tremble that wracks his smaller frame as Daniel returns to a rhythmic rubbing of Jihoon’s prostate.

****

Jihoon had thought they were on the same page so far as speeding up the process was concerned but it’s becoming clearer that Daniel has no intention of putting his cock anywhere near Jihoon’s desperate hole without teasing him first.

****

Daniel wants to play with him, break him down until he’s a shaking, sobbing mess in his hands.

****

Jihoon’s next intake of breath sounds more like a broken sob because the unrelenting pressure is sending him waves of sensation he doesn’t know how to deal with. It’s good; so, _so_ good but it’s so much and he can’t-- there’s no relief from it as Daniel continues to massage the same spot again and again.

****

Jihoon’s own fingers grow lax, merely holding himself open for Daniel to do his work at taking him apart, but one scrape of a fingernail against Jihoon’s prostate has the younger jolting in alarm.

****

“S-stop! I’m going to--”

****

“Come?” Daniel asks as he keeps going, tone hard and verging on mean. His collected demeanour only serves to make Jihoon more flustered. “Are you going to come _already?_ ”

****

The inquiry is as patronising as it is self-assured and it only further frustrates Jihoon as he leans his sweat-slick forehead against the cool plaster and tries to keep himself back from the edge.

****

“Look at yourself,” Daniel whispers harshly into the shell of his ear, breath hot but nothing compared to the heat washing over Jihoon as the pressure boiling beneath his skin rises. “Look how wrecked you are and from what? Just _one_ of my fingers inside you, and I’ve barely even touched that sweet little cock of yours. Are you going to come just from this?”

****

Jihoon doesn’t want to but he knows that he's going to; that with each brush of Daniel’s fingertip he is rising higher and higher, losing more and more control over his body as it softens and shakes uncontrollably. All that is holding him up is Daniel's body pinning him upright to the wall. When it’s finally too much, when he finally comes, it’s in a violent, steady stream that does not spare the wall against which he is pressed from its splatter.

****

But even as Jihoon comes, Daniel doesn't stop. He fingers Jihoon through his orgasm, prolongs it, milking Jihoon's cock dry without even touching it.

****

The aftershocks leave him weak and trembling, sensitive to every little movement inside as Daniel finally withdraws his finger and his own find the will to follow.

****

Jihoon is still hot all over as he sags forward and though his arms and legs feel like jelly he frantically tugs at the collar of his shirt, unbuttoning until he can shrug it off his shoulders and bare enough of his clammy skin to the air to find relief.

****

As soon as his shoulder is exposed, Daniel leans forward, caging Jihoon in with a hand either side of his head. He kisses down the side of his neck before dragging his teeth over the golden skin above Jihoon’s shoulder blade. Without thinking, Jihoon leans back into the touch and hums contentedly at the attention that he knows, distantly, only _seems_ affectionate because it is juxtaposed against the relentless way Daniel had targeted his prostate before.

****

Coming this way always has him reeling from an orgasm far more full-bodied and bone-deep than when he or someone else simply pumps his cock to completion, but Jihoon still isn’t satisfied. He still craves to be filled by more than just a casual finger.

****

Leant back into the concave of Daniel's chest, he can feel the hard line of Daniel’s cock in his slacks, pressing against Jihoon's lower back and demanding attention even though Daniel has made no move to attend to it. Teasingly, he grinds back on it and is rewarded by Daniel sinking his teeth into his shoulder and thrusting his hips forward in response.

****

Still facing the wall, Jihoon reaches behind himself, in between the two of them, and works to unbuckle Daniel's belt, swiftly unzipping and dipping a hand in to take him out. He can't see from this position but he can feel Daniel hot and hard in his small hands. He salivates at the image in his mind's eye ― Daniel's flushed, leaking cock dwarfing the dainty hands wrapped around its girth.

****

He starts to stroke, a little awkward at the angle and harsh on his wrist but enough to have Daniel laboring to keep his breathing even after going untouched for so long. Daniel is consumed by the feel of Jihoon's soft palms running up and down his length, expert fingers twisting and tugging at the base, and Jihoon takes the opportunity to guide Daniel's bare cock down along the cleft of his ass until the head is brushing against his hole.

****

The way Daniel's cock twitches in surprise is just as enjoyable for Jihoon as the full body shudder he can feel when Daniel realises he has been brought into prime position, a negligible distance away from the heat of Jihoon's walls that he longs to feel tight around him.

****

Daniel groans, so deeply and fundamentally aroused that he doesn't even realise the way he has begun to rock forward, rubbing the entire length of his cock over Jihoon's hole and smearing precum along his perineum.

****

“Just like that," Jihoon finds himself saying, voice hoarse in a futile attempt not to plead as he reaches up to brace his hands on the wall in front of him and plants his feet further apart. “Put it in just like that.”

****

“Jihoon--” Daniel’s voice comes out so low and rough it’s almost a growl and, for a heart-stopping second, Jihoon thinks he’s going to push into him right then and there, in a split second fulfillment of what Jihoon is begging for.

****

But Daniel hesitates and Jihoon knows he should too.

****

Though Jihoon has gotten into the habit of going for regular check ups and knows he’s clean, he doesn't know anything about Daniel's sexual partners of the last two years, beyond his certainty that they must have existed but Jihoon finds he doesn't care.

****

He trusts that Daniel wouldn't be doing this with him if there was cause for concern, but if it turns out that his trust is misplaced then it will be just what Jihoon deserves, won't it?

****

Not to mention that if Daniel has to leave to his bedroom to get condoms and lube, Jihoon runs the risk of this becoming intimate beyond the physical level, or of losing his nerve entirely.

****

“It’s fine, I’m fine. I promise, just-- please, don’t make me wait any longer,” Jihoon says as he rubs his eager hole over Daniel's cock and stifles a moan at the feeling of it twitch against him. He keeps talking, so consumed by need now that he’s _so close_ to having it inside him that he doesn’t even know what he’s saying. “I know you always liked it best when there was nothing in between us. When we could feel every inch of each other and you could pump my tight ass full of your hot c― _hah!_ ”

****

Jihoon's filthy taunt is broken off in a cry as he suddenly feels the head of Daniel's cock push past his rim, the older man burying his face in the crook of Jihoon's neck with a groan, steadily pressing in all the way to the hilt.

****

Jihoon's hasty fingers, despite the additional help, were far from adequate preparation for Daniel’s girth and the burn of the stretch makes his eyes water. Instead of wincing and freezing up, Jihoon sucks in a breath and tries to relax into the flickering flames of pain licking up his lower back. The more Daniel moves, the more the friction transforms into something pleasurable and soon Jihoon is spreading his legs further apart, trying to get Daniel deeper.

****

“ _Hnn_ yes- that's it, that's-- _hh-ah!_ ”

****

“This is what you wanted, right?" Daniel grinds out between heavy breaths. “Me fucking you open, hard and good until you can't walk.”

****

If Daniel keeps up his punishing pace then Jihoon thinks there's a very good chance he'll be right. That he won't be able to walk to the kitchen or to the shower without being reminded of Daniel burying his cock in him like this; hard and fast and deep and everything that Jihoon wanted.

****

Daniel is right on that account too.

****

It's exactly what Jihoon wanted.

****

Daniel had always been good at working that out. Most of the time.

****

Despite his early hesitation, Daniel isn't exactly gentle, as if he couldn’t wait to bury himself in Jihoon's heat, and Jihoon wonders if that's why they lasted together as long as they did.

****

Volatile as they may have been when they were dating, the sex was always incredible and everything between them would seem okay again in the afterglow.

****

The glow would always fade, though, and then they were back to the start.

****

No, not the start exactly. Their beginning was comparatively clean and easy.

****

No, instead they would always find themselves tossed back into the chaos of the dreaded middle, where they had begun to realise the undesirable people they were making of each other and yet had built too much traction to halt the process.

****

An agonisingly self-aware progression towards mutually assured destruction. Although Jihoon has found himself more than capable on that account on his own.

****

Sex, no matter how amazing, never fixed any problems and if where Jihoon finds himself tonight is any indication, he still hasn't learnt that lesson.

****

― but such a conclusion presumes that Jihoon _wants_ to fix himself, rather than relish sticking his fingers in the cracks and breaking them further apart.

****

But two years is a long time in the seasons of the heart and by now the two of them must surely be detached from all expectation. This feverish way they cling to each other is merely a means to an end.

****

A release of tension.

****

An avenue for gratification.

****

An outlet for ill-feeling pent up from no resolution.

****

This is not Jihoon crawling back nor is it Daniel inviting him to.

****

He tells himself he has missed Daniel's cock more than the man to whom it belongs.

****

He tells himself that he has not yet found someone who fucks him as well as Daniel does and he can allow himself this indulgence just once.

****

He tells himself this is easy rather than the hardest thing he has ever put himself through by far.

****

As he revels in how good Daniel is making him feel, he tells himself a story where this is only a moment of lustful weakness rather than one of temptation to see if the wreckage Daniel leaves him in this time will he any more salvageable than the last.

****

The truth is he wants this even though he shouldn't. He wants this in spite of the countless reasons _why_ he shouldn't, and perhaps even more so because of them.

****

It soon becomes clear that after his previous orgasm and in light of the savage snap of Daniel’s hips, even Jihoon’s strong legs will struggle to keep him upright. So before he knows it, Jihoon is being spun around so that he is now facing Daniel, as the other man pulls out in favour hoisting Jihoon up and encouraging him to wrap his legs around his waist.

****

Jihoon settles quickly, fisting his hands in Daniel’s shirt. Daniel is still fully dressed apart from where his slacks are open to give access to his cock and even Jihoon’s own shirt still clings to him, though now only barely hanging from his elbows. Undressing entirely is the last thing on their minds now that Daniel has finally entered him and they’re eager to return to where they left off.

****

Daniel does not waste time with buildup, instead he pounds into Jihoon with abandon as soon as he slips back inside, setting a furious pace that jostles Jihoon in that rough, careless way the younger has been craving.

****

Jihoon hopes Daniel's neighbours are sound sleepers because there is no mistaking the thudding of their bodies meeting against the wall.

****

In their new position, with his arms wrapped around Jihoon, holding him up, Daniel is able to fuck up into him and reach more deeply than before. With each thrust, Jihoon is bouncing on Daniel’s cock in a way that makes it hard for him to catch his breath.

****

Unbidden, a sharp staccato of exclamations leave his lips and the only sounds that fill the room are the clank of Daniel’s belt, Daniel’s almost animalistic grunts, and Jihoon’s frantic ‘ _Ah! Ah! Ah!’_

****

Jihoon had known better than anyone how big Daniel was but he feels so full, as if he is still being stretched out everytime Daniel pushes in again, that he wonders if it’s possible for Daniel to have grown.

****

Reality is far better than the memory Jihoon had unintentionally held on to.

****

On that note at least, Daniel is in agreement if the way he moans in appreciation is any indication.

****

“God, Jihoon. You’re so fucking tight around me, it’s like no one else has touched you since I did. Is that true? Did you save your hole for me hoping I would come back?”

****

Jihoon shudders, clenching around Daniel as the words turn him on as much as they cause a nauseous bile to rise in his throat. Maybe the reactions are one and the same.

****

He could tell him.

****

He could tell Daniel how, for months, he was stumbling in and out of bars and clubs and far more dangerous places with a reckless abandon that only manifested after Daniel gave up on them and tossed him aside. He could tell Daniel how many beds and cocks he was warming while Daniel was in Canada being a picture perfect successful businessman and probably fucking his perky little secretary.

****

But he won’t.

****

Because then Daniel might realise that Jihoon is not here out of the desire to live out, if only for the night, some benign fantasy that Daniel might take him back.

****

Because then he might realise Jihoon is using him in the same way he did those other men; to pleasure and punish himself in equal measure. To remind himself that no matter how well he is filled by their cock — even if his belly bulges with how full he is of them with barely enough space to accommodate — nothing will be able to fill the cavern in his heart where goodness, and light, and decency are meant to reside. Daniel may have tossed him aside but Jihoon knows he was entitled to do so. Knows it was only what he deserved for what he did to him, ignorant as he might have been to the impact.

****

He won’t tell Daniel because if he realises what this is actually about for Jihoon, he might stop and that’s the last thing Jihoon wants. For Daniel to decide he is already fucked enough in ways other than the physical when it’s none of his business what Jihoon does with himself now that he’s gone. If not from the country, then from the routine of Jihoon’s life.

****

The only space for Daniel in Jihoon's life now is this one window of lust that shouldn't exist and will soon cease to. The only room for Daniel now is where he's buried himself to the hilt, chasing a remnant of the connection they had out of nostalgia more than anything else.

****

Jihoon is not the only one who has lowered his standards to allow the two of them to come together in a way that should now be forbidden out of common sense, at the very least. For all of Daniel's convictions, there must be something about Jihoon that Daniel can't resist.

****

He won't torture himself to discern just what that might be when, more likely than not, it is simply how well he takes Daniel's cock or the way they always seem to fuck like it's their last day on Earth.

****

Instead he'll torture himself by wondering if Daniel has ever found that _something_ in others; has ever thought of Jihoon while entwined with someone else.

****

The tension changes in Daniel’s muscles and Jihoon can tell, not only is he close to release but he’s about to pull out so he can come on Jihoon’s stomach instead. But Jihoon shakes his head, even though Daniel has not voiced the intention aloud, and locks his legs tighter around Daniel’s waist.

****

“No, _please--_ !” Jihoon labours to get the words out as he can feel himself approaching his own peak for the second time that night. “Inside, do it inside. Come inside me, Niel-hyung, _please_ -”

****

And Daniel does; at the same time as Jihoon spills onto the front of the older's long-dishevelled dress shirt, pushed to the edge by the feeling of Daniel’s hot come painting his insides. Everything feels so unbelievably good in this moment that Jihoon doesn’t even have a spare thought to wonder if it was the endearment accidentally escaping his lips that was the final straw for Daniel.

****

Jihoon doesn’t even remember he’s said it, too consumed by the heights of those final moments to pay attention to the desperate babble pouring from his mouth.

****

They stay like that as they come down from their high, leaning heavily against the wall, Jihoon with his legs still locked around Daniel, and Daniel showing no inclination to let go either, let alone pull out.

****

Instead, when he moves, it's to carry Jihoon the few steps to the sofa and lay him down before he draws out.

****

Jihoon lays there a little listlessly, totally fucked out and trying to catch his breath.

****

He doesn't feel quite empty after Daniel withdraws, instead he enjoys the illusion of fullness granted by the come Daniel has pumped inside him and left in his wake. It starts to trickle out, hot and wet as it drips from his hole.

****

Hazily, Jihoon acts on instinct, hand flying down between his legs so he can push the rivulets of come back inside himself.

****

Jihoon can tell the precise moment that Daniel realises what it is he's doing. His jaw tightens almost imperceptibly and the post-coital glaze of his eyes is swiftly replaced by something far sharper. Something dark. Hungry.

****

Jihoon shivers.

****

Daniel bends down and locks eyes with him, covering Jihoon's hand with his own where it's situated between his legs.

****

“Let me help you with that," he says with an honest to God smirk flirting over his lips and Jihoon feels a bolt of arousal spear through him at the proposition, in spite of the fact his body is beginning to throb with soreness.

****

He can see Daniel is already getting hard again and Jihoon would almost laugh if he wasn't in a similar state simply from the heat of Daniel's palm against the back of his own hand between his legs.

****

Jihoon is still sensitive when they go for another round on the couch and he feels perpetually breathless as he grasps for the twinges of pleasure at his periphery, only to be swept just out of reach by the tides of oversensitivity everytime Daniel pushes in anew.

****

Daniel has taken Jihoon’s wrists in the grasp of one of his large hands, pinning them above his head. Jihoon’s shirt still clings half-heartedly from his forearms but has long since given up on covering any of Jihoon’s torso. With his other hand, Daniel is gripping the underside of Jihoon’s knee, bony fingers pressing into soft flesh as he spreads Jihoon’s legs and presses his knee back against his chest to hold him open.

****

With his hands restrained and Daniel laying on top of him, all Jihoon can do is lie there and take it.

****

Daniel is taking total control as he concentrates on fucking his own come back inside Jihoon as deep as it will go, spurred on by the obscene noises that accompany his effort as his slides in and out. As much as Jihoon loves being used like this, he can tell there’s an edge to it that he doesn’t quite understand.

****

For the first time that night, Jihoon doesn't know what the fuck this is happening between them.

****

This isn't like before, when they were just using each other to get off, and it's not like during their relationship when there was always an undercurrent of something more profound.

****

This is something different, something animalistic, and Jihoon is lost in sound and sensation as Daniel ruts into him, fucking his come back into Jihoon's hole like his life depends on it.

****

Daniel grunts from the exertion and swears under his breath, as if Jihoon _still_ feels so good around him that he no longer has as much control over the sounds that leave his lips as he does over the increasingly erratic pace of his hips. Jihoon feels as if he is watching from above, from outside his own body, as Daniel fucks him again.

****

He can see the way he stretches around Daniel’s cock; the way his puffy red hole, stained in milky white, flutters obscenely each time Daniel pulls out to thrust back in. A withdrawal just far enough to startle Jihoon’s body into thinking he is about the lose the sensation that is making him so full and complete in this moment.

****

Daniel’s torso undulates, sweat having slicked his white shirt to his skin, making visible the outline of the muscle working to bring both himself and Jihoon together again like this. His back flexes almost hypnotically with his rhythm. Beads of sweat run down his spine from where they have dampened the hair at the base of his neck.

****

Jihoon can see it all from on high; the tangled mess of their (re)union that did not and will not make it to the bedroom. Out in the open, in full view of the empty kitchen and the only partially drawn blinds.

****

To think that anyone who had the misfortune of passing by and looking in at this earliest hour of the morning would feel not even half the shame that threatens to drown Jihoon.

****

He’s starting to feel light-headed, like he’s going to float away, but as the edges of his vision start to fade into static, the memory of Daniel’s voice comes to him then, as clear as the day they’d ended things, bringing him back to full consciousness with the weight of a stone crashing through the surface of a tranquil lake and sinking until it reaches the bottom.

****

_“I don't like who I am when I'm with you.”_

****

The words that had played on repeat for weeks and weeks after Daniel had walked out the door, torturing Jihoon as he tried to work out the point at which Daniel had given up. At what point Jihoon had pushed him so far as for him to break their unspoken agreement to keep trying even though they clearly weren’t good for each other.

****

The words that had burned themselves into him like a brand and though they are not visible to the naked eye, are his current actions not enough to prove it?

****

To prove that he must be the kind of person Daniel had felt tainted by, because here he is inflicting that upon Daniel again with his company, his intimacy, even knowing that it had caused Daniel to come to despise himself in the past. Evidently, he is that person who would do such a thing to someone else if it meant achieving his own gratification.

****

No wonder Daniel left him.

****

And that's when it clicks ― when Jihoon realises just what is fuelling Daniel's newfound ferocity.

****

Of course Daniel no longer harbours any remnant of affection for him. Of course, Daniel _loathes_ him; and in that loathing seeks to ruin him.

****

This is Daniel driving home that he _owns_ Jihoon. He's fucking him open and plugging him with come as a reminder to Jihoon and anyone who shares his bed from now on that Daniel _owns him_. But he doesn't want him.

****

When he comes for the third time that night, he cries. Bottom lip bitten bloody between his teeth in order to silence himself, hot tears trickle from the corners of his eyes as he comes onto his own stomach. Unable to cover his face with his hands, he twists as he rides out the aftershocks, burying his face into the back of the couch with a moan.

 

He thinks momentarily about allowing Daniel to see his glassy eyes and wonders if it would turn him on, if it would drive him over the edge to see the tears spill down Jihoon's soft cheeks. To see the emotional ruin he has reduced Jihoon to along with the come-slicked mess he's already made of him.

 

But Daniel is already coming, and this, Jihoon knows, is a shame neither of them can derive pleasure from. He keeps his face hidden but he can feel the throb of Daniel’s cock as the other man comes undone after, clumsy in his release as he adds to the store of semen already spilling from Jihoon’s hole.

****

Jihoon stays like that as Daniel releases his wrists and slowly gets off of him. Though out of sight, he can hear Daniel as he walks away.

 

The silence is deafening and so is the blood roaring in his ears.

 

When the couch cushion becomes too stifling, Jihoon turns to lay on his back and gasp in air, staring up at the ceiling. All the pleasure that had piled onto him in the preceding moments fades away and leaves him feeling cold and empty in spite of their joint efforts to fill him.

****

What he’s just done — what _they’ve_ done — hits him like a slap in the face and he feels like he’s going to be sick.

****

He runs to the bathroom, trying to ignore the way he is dripping as well as the fact he knows the way to Daniel’s bathroom, and keels over the toilet, shaking and naked except for his half-worn shirt. Nothing comes out but bile and acid and he can’t help but think that speaks to his character more than the fact he hadn’t had time to eat before meeting his colleagues for drinks.

****

Without much other thought, he staggers to his feet, wiping his mouth with back of his hand, and clambers into the vacant shower uninvited. There's no sign of Daniel as he turns on the water and lets it wash his tears and sweat and come away. He scrubs his skin red raw, knowing from experience that it will take a more thorough job than this to rid him of all of the come dripping from his insides.

****

Giving Daniel a lift home had been a spur of the moment favour, and giving into the tension between them had been a thoughtless indulgence meant to lead to just a quick, frustrated fuck — a chance to take whatever leftover resentment Daniel had left to give him — before going home like they were simply strangers to each other.

****

But it isn’t so simple in the aftermath. The clean up of the physical and metaphorical mess their reunion has left Jihoon in is neither quick nor easy.

****

While far from unscathed, Jihoon makes it out of Daniel’s apartment unnoticed, at the very least. He hadn’t seen hide nor hair of Daniel when he returned to the living quarters in a borrowed towel in pursuit of his discarded clothes. He hadn’t been able to find his underwear but hadn’t wanted to stick around to search, instead pulling his jeans on over his bare skin. With care, in spite of his haste, because the only thing more embarrassing than falling back into bed with your ex is being stranded in said ex’s apartment after getting your dick stuck in your zipper.

****

He all but collapses into the front seat of his car, heart hammering in chest and brain already beginning to whir into a state of overthinking and regret.

****

The memory of the ferocity with which Daniel had taken him back there in his living room washes over Jihoon as he sits behind the wheel. Body numb, it replays before his eyes; every detail. Though it was undeniably personal, or perhaps because of it, it had bordered on savagery.

****

It confirms one thing for Jihoon, at least.

****

Even after all this time, Daniel still hates Jihoon.

****

Well, he thinks to himself as he starts the engine, that makes two of them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! ♡
> 
> i deliberately chose not to tag this with Exes To Lovers or Post-Break Up Sex because i wanted it to be a bit of a surprise, but let me know how well that worked (or didn't). constructive criticism in general is also more than welcome ♡♡


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